Start here, not with the college list…
I had lunch with one of my best friends recently.
She has two kids who are just entering high school.
She looked at me and said,
"Jess, I'm already stressed about college."
I laughed.
"They're not even 14. Why are you stressed?"
She had just come from happy hour with a group of moms.
You can probably guess how the conversation went.
Which AP classes do they need?
What activities look best on applications?
What summer programs do colleges like?
What should they start doing now?
I cringed.
Not because those things don't matter.
They do.
But because I think families often start in the wrong place.
As we kept talking, she mentioned her daughter wanted to study marine biology.
She had already used ChatGPT to research colleges with strong marine biology programs and had a list of dream schools.
I smiled.
Then I asked a different question.
"Does your daughter actually like science?"
She laughed.
"Not really. She loves English."
I laughed too.
Because I had once convinced myself I wanted to study marine biology.
In my mind, marine biology meant dolphins.
The beach.
Sunshine.
It did not mean chemistry.
Biology.
Oceanography.
Lab work.
So I pulled up a four-year plan for a marine biology major.
"Do you think she'd enjoy these classes?"
Sometimes students fall in love with an idea before they understand what it actually looks like.
Then I asked what I think was the more important question.
"Have you and your husband talked about how much you're willing to spend on college?"
She paused.
She admitted...
They hadn't.
Now, my friend and her husband are both successful.
Could they afford an expensive private university?
Probably.
Would they choose to?
She wasn't sure.
Forty-five minutes after lunch she texted me.
"You were right."
She had talked with her husband.
His answer?
"We'll pay the equivalent of a state school."
Suddenly the college search looked very different.
Not because her daughter wasn't capable.
Because the family finally understood one of their biggest boundaries.
This conversation reminded me of something I see all the time.
Families spend months researching colleges before asking the questions that actually narrow the search.
Questions like:
What are we comfortable spending?
How far from home does our student actually want to be?
What kind of environment helps them thrive?
What are they hoping college will provide beyond a degree?
Those answers often eliminate more colleges than acceptance rates ever will.
Sometimes we think the college search starts with colleges.
I don't think it does.
I think it starts with your family.
Your priorities.
Your budget.
Your student's interests.
Your values.
The colleges come later.
Because getting accepted to your dream school only matters if it's still your dream school after you've answered the questions that matter most.
